Monday, August 1, 2011

How Not to Do a Magazine Cover

Dear Sister 2 Sister magazine,

I have never read you before. I have never seen you before. Hell, I have never even heard of you before. But the cover your August issue, which I recently saw in Duane Reade, actually made me speak to myself out loud, prompting the man next to me to very obviously totally surreptitiously shift a few paces away.

Now, I'm not sure who Nivea is. Wikipedia tells me she is a singer, who is known for some really prolific songs titled "Don't Mess with My Man" and "Laundromat". I am sure she is a lovely, talented woman.

So, if I may ask candidly– Sister 2 Sister, if you will– WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU STYLED HER FOR YOUR COVER?!

I just. I mean. I have, so, so many questions. For instance:

1. What are those things in her ears? What's that? Oh, earrings, you say? I just thought they were blinged-out bat wings. Or pieces of a gold wicker basket.

2. You say in a cover line Nivea "rocks single motherhood." That's fantastic! But, I'm confused, because by making her wear that pillowcase blouse, you made her look like she's rocking carrying triplets. Like, currently.

3. Since when are shorts supposed to fold/wrinkle up under one's butt like that? That's what an embarrassing, yet no less necessary, yank every time one stands up or walks a few yards is for.

4. Also, is that actually whisker fade detailing I see on those shorts? Oh heavens.

5. Where's the other half of her hair? Did it run away? Maybe it got scared of the bat wings.

I should stop. After all, I wouldn't want to be mean. I just don't get it. I will say, I think her makeup looks fine– that's a great shade of lipstick on her. But everything else seems rather misguided. Please explain.


*Before anyone goes all "you shouldn't be contributing to the scrutiny with which society judges female celebrities today" on me, I would like to point out: I have absolutely no problem with Nivea and think she's a beautiful all women are. I have a problem with how this magazine didn't do justice to that and made, what in my eyes are, glaring errors in how they styled her. As always, feel free to disagree in the comments!

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